my coworker apologizes All The Time — how can I get him to cease? — Ask a Supervisor

A reader writes:

I work at a small public library and I’ve a coworker who’s a really naturally anxious particular person. He apologizes for each little factor, whether or not it’s his fault, not his fault, or not one thing that might probably be anybody’s fault. I really feel like I hear him say “I’m so sorry” with full sincerity a dozen instances a day.

It’s not only a verbal behavior, he means it. This isn’t “I’m sorry you’re not feeling nicely,” it’s “I’m so sorry that I took a scheduled telephone name on the time that I mentioned I might and that meant I wasn’t in a position to refill the printer paper when it ran out in the midst of your print job, I ought to have anticipated that and I’m so sorry you needed to do it.” Whether or not he’s apologizing to a patron that there’s a waitlist on the e book they need, or to our coworker that she talked to the loud youngsters earlier than he did, or to me after I point out I don’t just like the ringtone on the brand new desk telephone, it’s all Purple Alert Regret High Precedence Contrition Protocol.

I don’t care that he didn’t print out extra copies of a kind that I may also print out! I don’t blame him that the constructing supervisor hasn’t mounted the leaky faucet within the employees lavatory! He’s always taking over the total accountability for completely all the pieces. It have to be exhausting for him, and the remainder of us should reassure him a number of instances a day that it’s not crucial.

He additionally takes accountability for each attainable work activity, however is unhealthy at multitasking and prioritizing these as nicely. This leads to extra apologies when he desires to arrange spare laptop components within the closet however will get distracted partway by way of and leaves free keyboards and mice all around the flooring, or he does go to get extra printer paper however will get distracted refilling a water cooler after which tries to load the paper with moist palms. We’re short-staffed, however issues should not so hectic that he must do completely all the pieces, by himself, proper now. This frustration I’ve tried to let go, since it’s our supervisor’s accountability, not mine.

But it surely’s arduous to carry up actual points and really feel like he hears and understands that I’m asking for a change in conduct, not an acknowledgment of guilt. One time it took him 25 minutes to drop off mail within the entrance workplace, and I needed to web page the workplace to get him again out when the ground acquired too busy for me to deal with alone. I identified as patiently as I might that this occurs so much, requested that he maintain observe of time, and urged that the following time the mail got here he didn’t must rush it to the workplace ASAP — particularly since a few of it turned out to be for me and he needed to carry it again. He spent 5 minutes apologizing, however he nonetheless does one thing like this at the very least as soon as per week, months later. I appreciated the apology, however I might have appreciated it extra if he tried to not do it once more.

This occurs even when he identifies the difficulty himself, for instance apologizing for calling me (a girl) and one other coworker (nonbinary) “you guys” and principally mansplaining to us why he was unsuitable to make use of a gendered time period that we would not be snug with … however he nonetheless defaults to calling each library customer both “sir” or “miss.”

As a result of he apologizes so typically, however he by no means follows up the “sorry” with any actual change, I don’t truly take any of his apologies that critically. Despite the fact that I do know he feels unhealthy, I’m pissed off and unsympathetic as a result of all he does is really feel unhealthy.

It’s clear to me that that is inner to him and possibly solely a protracted course of devoted private work might assist him unravel the guilt he feels over each different particular person’s minor inconveniences. It might be good if he might dial it down three or 4 notches at work, although.

I’m in full BEC territory, not as a result of I dislike him, however as a result of it’s so exhausting. I’ve restricted emotional house for his fixed apologies and all of the work I wind up doing to both talk that I’m not upset in regards to the factor he did (or another person did, or the freaking climate did) or that whereas I respect a since “my unhealthy,” what I really need is for the error to not occur once more. I like him simply positive as an individual, however this behavior has actually worn down the respect and endurance I’m in a position to maintain for him as a coworker.

Do you’ve got a sort script that I can use to speak both or each of those concepts:
1. Don’t apologize for issues you don’t have any management over, or
2. Should you do have management over the factor, strive fixing it.
And when you don’t have a type script, do you’ve got one which may end in him not apologizing for the way a lot he apologizes?

That sounds completely exhausting. I’m positive this is coming from a deeply-rooted place on his facet, nevertheless it’s demanding plenty of emotional labor from you every time: it’s a must to pause the dialog and reassure him that it’s positive. I used to be worn out simply studying about it.

That mentioned, you won’t be capable to change it. These items is deeply-rooted, and generally it will possibly turn out to be nearly like a verbal tic the place the opposite particular person isn’t even conscious of how typically they’re doing it.

However you’ll be able to actually strive!

The subsequent time he apologizes unnecessarily and there aren’t different folks round (so that you don’t embarrass him by calling him out publicly), you could possibly say: “Can ask you a favor? You apologize to me and different folks so much and it’s pointless. It makes me really feel like I’ve to pause the dialog and reassure you that it’s okay. I do know it’s most likely an ingrained behavior, however I’d be grateful when you didn’t apologize to me so ceaselessly.” In order for you, you could possibly add, “Or in any respect, actually!”

He’ll most likely apologize in response to this. I don’t assume you’ll be able to forestall that. However you’ll have laid the groundwork in order that the subsequent time he begins to apologize, you’ll be able to reduce him off and say, “No apologies” after which maintain speaking — and that half is essential. Should you simply say “no apologies” after which pause, you’re leaving room for him to apologize for apologizing or in any other case proceed within the vein, or to only really feel awkward. It’s higher if it goes one thing like this:

Coworker: “I noticed you had to assist that patron and I’m sorry—“
You: “No apologies wanted! She was asking about books on llama grooming and it made me do not forget that time final 12 months once we discovered that llama sleeping within the kitchen. Do you do not forget that?”

or

Coworker: “I noticed you had to assist that patron and I’m sorry—“
You: “No apologies wanted! Hey, have you ever seen Lucinda? I needed to ask her in regards to the crocodile presentation she’s doing.”

And so forth.

Generally a visible sign like elevating your hand in a “cease” movement is helpful too, however a very powerful factor is to only shortly transfer the dialog to a special observe and maintain it there.

The extra sophisticated piece is while you’re attempting to get him to listen to that you simply’re asking for a change in conduct, not an apology. In these circumstances, do that:

You: “You’ve been getting into the oatmeal stock incorrectly. Are you able to keep in mind to make use of the guidelines every time so steps aren’t missed?
Coworker: “I’m actually sorry, I ought to have remembered, I’m a horrible particular person—“
You: “No apologies wanted. I would like if we might speak about how to do that going ahead with out you apologizing as a result of that takes us off the primary level, which is…”

However this may be actually, actually ingrained, so I’d think about you’re taking a look at a lot of repetition of those methods, sadly. If it helps to recollect, although, it’s doubtless a kindness to him, since he most likely doesn’t even hear how typically he’s doing it.